I’ve been quiet for a while – too quiet. The truth is, I’ve been suck in a place so dark that even writing felt impossible. 2024 wasn’t just hard; it was one of the worst years I’ve ever lived. I lost my best friend, and in the process, I lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore.
The pain didn’t just stop there. It spiraled into bad decisions-really bad ones. Addiction has its claws in me, and it’s real. It’s everywhere in my life, and I feel like I’m losing to it. I’m addicted to everything: distractions, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and number the emotions I don’t know how to handle. It’s like I’ve been dealt a hand full of nines and tens, and no matter how I try to play, I just can’t win the trick.
Depression has been my constant partner at the table. Sadness feels like the only card I now how to lead with. And if I’m being honest, I’ve spent too much time letting it control the game.
But here’s the thing: I don’t want to keep losing.
My word for the year is redemption. It’s the only thing keeping me going right now – the hope that I can turn things around. That somehow, I can reclaim who I was before everything fell apart. That I can figure out how to play this hand, even when the cards look hopeless.
Redemption isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about facing it. It’s about looking at the losses, the mistakes, and the darkness head-on and deciding that they don’t define me. I may not now how to win this hand yet, but I do know that I don’t want to fold.
So, how do I turn it around?
Maybe it starts with small steps – finding one card I can play each day that moves me closer to redemption. Maybe it’s writing again, even when it hurts. Maybe it’s asking for help, admitting I can’t do this alone. Maybe it’s learning to forgive myself for the choices I made when I was hurting.
Right now, I feel like I’m at the bottom of the deck. But I’m holding on to the hope that the shuffle can change everything. The 4th card player – the friend I lost – would want me to keep playing. She’d want me to find a way back to myself.
And that’s what I’m going to try to do.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re losing, the game is stacked against you, maybe we can figure this out together. Because redemption isn’t just my word for the year – it’s my lifeline.
The 4th Card Player 
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